Run, Forrest, Run.

Five of my fabulous friends ran 10 miles around Narragansett for the Blessing of the Fleet on Friday night. I saw this as an opportunity to get blackout drunk (as if I need an excuse). The weather was insane... torrential downpours, wild thunder and lightning (perfect opportunity to check thunderstorm off the fucket list- where were you Art Vandelay?) Kitty-Cat and I went over and watched from BR' s front porch and drank some bubbly...and later, vodka. BR killed it and rocked 8 1/2 minute miles in her spectactular neon splashed spandex. I love the 80's.

Sidenote: BR (See BR is a buff babe for more about her) is looking fllyyy these days. Crossfit is doing wonders for her already ultra-toned body. Wish I had that kind of dedication. In an effort to keep her reading this, I am going to do something I vowed never to do- change her name (she is not a fan and I think she deserves something more creative). I should have dubbed her Unicorn from the get-go, as that is the name she was given when she moved to little Rhody due to her paradoxical stunning good looks paired with ginger locks. So BR, your wish is my command... you are now Unicorn.

Unicorn was pumped to meet Kitty-Cat live in the flesh and before you knew it, blog talk turned to sex talk. Unicorn (sheltered in her youth) informed us all that she didn't know what sex was until she saw Titanic. Initially I found this hysterical, but then realized that I am two years her senior and was also 11 when I first learned about the natural act of fornication. My 14 year old neighbor told me that he put his penis inside the blonde girl down the street when he was 10. My mom wasn't thrilled when I came home that day telling her that Bloomdog told me about sex (I really screwed myself there-no pun intented- because she was always tentative to let me hang out with him, and he used to throw wild parties in high school). We left Unicorn's beautiful beach house to trudge through the swamp and meet Art Smart and her man/running buddy Monty Python to congratulate them for their efforts. Coast Guard was pret-ty packed with some old Gansett friends of mine, but I knew I had to abort before it was no longer ok to drive.

Back in the city by the sea, KC and I meet YB and his young boy posse at Studio (who goes to Studio mid summer?). Let the blackout commence. My drunk grinding did win me an award from Enrique Burnham (see below).

Per usual, Kitty-Cat was into late night Dominoes and ordered the moment we stepped out of the Stud. That is the last thing I remember. I awoke around 6 am on the couch. Facts I gathered the following morning: apparently KC and I passed out immediately after making contact with the couch. YB paid for the pizza and enjoyed a few slices while sitting in between us sleeping beauties (?). He snapped a photo of this. My ass looks large and in charge, but I feel the need to share anyway. Hilarious.

This picture, along with my fierce hangover that lasted well into Saturday evening, begs the question: At what age is it no longer socially acceptable to black out? Feast your eyes on what I was working with at 9am Saturday. What...a hot mess.

Everyday is TrayDay.

I have a great friend that I will refer to as TrayDay here (conspicuous for those who know him, but this post is about celebrating his talent, not publicly exploiting him for wild behavior, as I have been known to do). My history with TrayDay dates back to middle school when we became friends participating in the school talent show and hanging out on the mean streets/parks of Dubbs. He is UBER talented...it's almost nauseating. He painted the walls and ceiling of his bedroom growing up with all his favorite things- Beatles, Blues Brothers, Marley, etc. We became close senior year in high school. I basically forced him to talk to me for hours on school nights on the ol' home phone. We were senior prom dates and he gave me a painting of us for my 18th bday (I still have it and we look like infants). Lucky for me, TrayDay is still in my life and a very good friend to boot. He and AA are probably my favorite homeboys from Mt. Hopeless. I've been harassing TD to send me some of his art work so I can share it with all of you faithful followers. For you lady loves, here's a tidbit on TrayDay: Not only is he incredibly talented, he is also really ridiculously good-looking, funny and single. Feel free to follow him on twit or stalk him on FB. I have included some of his work below and above for your ocular pleasure. He is unbelievable.
This was on the chalkboard in his classroom last year. I worked at the same school and was able to see this firsthand. Real deal Holyfield.

Bottom line, this kid is boss. I dig talent and passion and I feel lucky to have such talented, smart, funny souls in my life.

Birth control infused vodka?

As many of you know, I am a HUGE Chelsea Handler fan. I dvr her show every night, have read all of her books and adopted some of her Lately Lexicons and incorporated them into my vernacular. So naturally when Kitty Cat and I got word that the comedians of Chelsea Lately would be in Newport for the summer comedy series, we were on board. I decided to follow them on twitter (Sarah Colonna, Josh Wolf, Loni Love and John Caparulo) and tweet at them in the hopes of getting to meet them.
Sidenote: I have developed a minor addiction to twitter. I can really let my freak flag fly there and spew all the wacky word vomit that comes to mind without being judged (27 followers on twit vs. 1100 fb friends). Much love to my fav tweeters: Novel Girl, AA, Summer Ale, Rock Lock, Momo, TrayDay, Chefanova, JJ Backstreet and Tiger (add him to my list of virtual connections via Novel Girl).
Back on track here: I am convinced that Sarah and Chelsea would love me and Kitty Cat. We are them- just 10 years younger, brunette and lacking national celebrity status. The week before the show, Chelsea had a Belvedere girl on and she and Sarah were sampling all the yummy cocktails she threw together. When Belvedere girl was talking about grapefruit infused vodka, Sarah asked if they had any birth-control infused vodka. I died. Genius, girl... I would market the shit of that around these parts. Fast forward to last Friday night. Kitty Cat and I successfully consume a bottle of bubbly before the 7:30 showtime. A couple of Ketel sodas and we were blackout before Loni Love finished (3rd comedian). It was my mission to meet Sarah (lesbihonest) so I told Kitty Cat to follow my lead and headed to the exit behind the stage. I asked the "security" ever so politely if we could sneak out that way then proceeded to call out Sarah's name. She came out of their trailer (bombed) and I told her that I often tweet at her and we had the potential to be besties. She said she recognized "Colie_D." Wooo girl! We took a pic with her and started to head out when I spotted John Caparulo. My close friends know I have a history of chubby chasing....Welp, I went back to Sarah and told her I wanted a pic with Caparulo because "I dig his body type." I am so ridiculous. She was into it and called him over, even referring to KC and I as "pretty girls." Another wooo girl! Check out the pic below, complete with my giant vodka induced cheesy grin and Caparulo's pit stains. Sexy.


The remainder of the evening is pretty fuzzy, but I know this much: we left and manged burgers at Juicy Cheesy (T), played and pregamed some more with the boys at Annimal House, sang "Bulletproof" with some bebs the whole walk to the Deck, and went on to consume an excess of vodka. The Deck is infested with YBs on the weekends and I'm not gonna lie, I'm into it.

My male counterpart?

An awful lot of fun occured in the 36(ish) hours I spent in the concrete jungle this past weekend. I want to start by reflecting on my friendship with Novel Girl. She and I reconnected back in February after coming to the realization that we are both budding bloggers with similar writing styles. We have always shared a special bond, but it has really solidified in the past few months. After spending the weekend with her in NYC, I compiled a list of things we have in common: being a "guy's girl" (aka having many guy friends and generally preferring male company), being a music junkie, sometimes spazzy, yellow auras, digging dorks for their intellectual stimulation, loving the classics but also girly trashy lit, enjoying all things sexually related. This is one of the things I love most about Novel Girl: she loves talking about sex and sharing stories as much as I do. I mean, let's be honest...sex is natural. Why shouldn't we talk about it freely? None of you prim and proper ladies are fooling me...you are probably all wild children in the bedroom. Was it Ludacris who said "want a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets?" I am a lady, I just have no qualms about speaking sexually (obviously). One other common thread between me and Novel Girl- we get pleasure out of connecting friends. I've mentioned the No Romo and Summer Ale connections. Well, NG and SA managed to convince me to join the twitter world and I don't regret it- so fun. I just need more followers (fishing for friends here). One of their twitter friends, Rock Lock, caught my attention. His avatar is him naked in a bucket with rubber duckies and his bio reads: "I write songs and make music videos about awesome stuff. I drink Jack Daniels and PBR because I'm classy. I'm good at Scrabble but I'm better at sex." After seeing that, I knew I had to follow him. 90% of his tweets are wild and sexual, so naturally I was intrigued by this cat and excited to meet him.

Fast forward to Friday night at 9. Novel Girl and Momo planned a surprise going away dinner for Summer Ale. He thought he was going with just the two of them, when in reality there were 10 of us waiting at the restaurant. So there I was, sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers when Rock Lock looks at me and says, "You're Colie D!? Novel Girl had me read some of your dirty blog posts. You're funny." Wooo virtual connection made real live connection. Later on he gave me a glimpse into his thoughts that night..." When you walked into the round table I was thinking a. who is this girl and why don't I know her? b. I'm not leaving this dinner. and c. when I realized you were ColieD I knew I would be doing you later." For the record, there was no penetration. There was, however, lots of witty sexual banter throughout the weekend and beyond. Rock Lock is a rock comedian who is sponsored by The Campus Socialite, a kick ass site that is in the process of taking over the college world. I dig his energy, his level of intensity and his overall rockstar lifestyle/attitude. During a night of crazy karoke and dancing, we discovered we were both feisty geminis and decided we were also very similar creatures...hence, my male counterpart. On twitter, he often "speaks socially." This has to do with being cool, popular, a socialite, and I have since slowly picked up the habit. On that note, I was stuck in traffic on the way to class this week and Rock Lock and I were bbming. I mentioned that a pocket vibrator would come in handy for these situations. His response, "It's called a blackberry. Put it on your p***y and I will take care of the rest." A whole lot of letters followed with some good vibrations. I found this hysterical and we both tweeted about it with the #speaksocial tag. People ate his tweet for dinner (his words). I am constantly entertained by this character and felt the need to share some of his quality entertainment for your visual and auditory pleasure. Exhibit A is the first installment of the blog series he is writing for Campus Socialite, entitled My First Time: Getting Head from a Chick with Braces. Exhibit B is his youtube video, "Your sister has herpes, she gave 'em to me." Both will provide substantial comic relief for those of you, like me, who enjoy a healthy dose of crude humor.


Looking forward to our next interaction. Until then, I will settle for video viewing, tantalizing tweets and bbm blasts.

3 cruisers and a beach cruiser.

I am not sure why my WILD friend Tucker Max has yet to be the focus of a post. I would imagine it has something to do with the fact that he has so manyyy stories that it is impossible to keep up. He is more sexually charged than anyone I know, Reef Rider included (although he seems to think she is his female equivalent and that they should sleep together). TM is Kitty-Cat's bestie and he is clearly in love with her- doesn't hide his love at all. His love for our gender as a whole keeps them from starting a committed relationship. Unfortunately this little island is only blessed with his presence and entertainment for less than half the year as he spends his winters on a golf course in sunny FLA. For those of you who have never experienced Tucker Max live in the flesh, I will warn you: I am not sure I can do him justice with words alone. He is quite the anomaly. He will spit game to any living, breathing, attractive (usually) female he comes in contact with, and when he shoots he often scores. There is NO shame in his game. I would be interested in learning his success rate. Nights out with TM are always EPIC.

The inspiration to write this came last Friday morning as I was getting ready for my weekend trip to New York (a story about that is in the works...I heart that city and its inhabitants). Tucker bbmed while I was at the gym to let me know he had a story to share. Sidenote: I did not go out the previous evening due to grad school responsibilities (which is seriously effecting my social life and I am less than thrilled about it). Anywaayyyy, Kitty Cat did go out with TM and a bunch of frat house boys and they got wild of course. Sometime after KC left TM, he went down to the wharf to get his car and spotted a beach cruiser. His drunken thought process aided him in opting out of driving a motor vehicle and instead stealing a bike. He then went on to ride the bike to our apt (swiping a street sign along the way to contribute to his kleptomania) and begin banging forcefully on our front door. Apparently this all went down between 2:30 and 3 am. I had been up packing and didn't fall asleep until close to 2, but I completely slept through all the shenanigans that ensued (as did Kitty Cat). New fun fact: we are not light sleepers. Tucker Max's incessant door banging led to the arrival of not one but three officers of the law. They went on to question and search him on our front lawn. My window is RIGHT there. How did I miss all of this?? Somehow TM managed to schmooze his way out of getting arrested. Best part of the story...Kitty Cat and Art Smart were at the beach the next day and were chatting with one of AS's co-workers...turns out she was the owner of the stolen cruiser. Pictured below is Tucker packing the bike in the Jeep the next day for delivery to its rightful owner.

Oh wait, the story gets even better. Tuesday night we all went out and Tucker Max and Bike Owner became acquainted. Comedy. He felt so badly about the situation that he offered to take her to dinner. Chatting with TM on Thursday: "She thinks I'm sweet for returning it and offering to take her out. I can't believe I'm going to get laid for stealing a bike. You might want to hold off on blogging until you get the FULL story."
Well, I couldn't hold off. But I promise to keep you followers updated.