Memorial Madness.

Memorial Day weekend marks the beginning of summer. As we all know, summer means more sun, more booze, more exposed flesh. An overall happy sexy vibe in the city by the sea. Memorial Day weekend also happens to encompass my birthday almost every year (I used to love my birthday...as the years seem to fly by and the number skyrockets, I am less than thrilled about it). Birthdays do, however, serve as a friendly reminder that we are loved and a validation of our existence. My celebrations began a few days early this year at Kabuki with my South County friends. Last year my Melrose Boys made me a vulgar cake (chocolate, in the shape of male genitalia. amazing). This year, they really outdid themselves. I think they need to get on Ace of Cakes. So wild.

Along with the inappropriate cake, there was plenty of bubbly for yours truly. When Novel Girl came to visit, we decided that champagne goes straight to our va-jay-jays. True story. I kept it classy that night and only had 2 splits. It was a bit awkward walking out of a sushi restaurant with that obsene cake, especially when I tried to feed it to strangers.

You're so tiny!

So much nonsense has occurred since my last post... I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with Sunday Funday back on May 16th. I left work pretty exhausted/hazy from the previous night's festivities (if my memory serves, I believe it was a Studio experience) and met Kitty-Cat, Reef Rider, Art Smart, Chowe and Tucker Max down at the Landing. Perfect Sunday Funday crew if I do say so myself. Ketel sodas were flowing before sunset thanks to the fabtastic bartender KO. Sometime around 8? we decided it would be a good idea to consume some food to soak up the booze in our bellies. We scored the sweet corner of the bar at the Brick...drank more, manged plenty. Us gals then made the responsible decision to call it a night and head home. Back at the apt...on with the Ipod and "Airplanes." That jam put us in instant dance party mode, complete with lights off and serious rocking out on the couch. No subtle dancing there. Reef Rider parted to rendezvous with WUC and Chowe fell into a coma amidst the dance party madness. Rocking out really gave us a second wind and AS, KC and I decided to meander down to OB's after Dixie Chick let me know it was all happening down there.

What...a shitshow it was. Rugby tournament had been going on that weekend, so not only were all the Newport rugby boys in attendance, but the British boys were there as well...in costume. Absolute debauchery. We obviously made friends with most of them. Art Smart was all about them...and one of them was all about me. Homeboy was a monster dressed in a Wonder Woman getup, wig and all. One of his thighs were bigger than my whole body. My guess is that he was 6'5, 280 lbs? HUGE. He continuously slapped my ass throughout the evening, grabbed my waist and shouted (insert British accent here), "You're so tiny! I would destroy you!" Funny, yet scary/borderline rape? When we finally decided to leave after one two many Ketel cocktails, the Bloody Brut Brit violently picked me up, broke my necklace, gave me his email address and planted a fat one on my lips. Kitty-Cat and I escaped and Tucker Max came back to pass out on couch. She and I proceeded to engage in yet another dance party at 1am while TM creepily drunkenly watched. Ha. What wild little cats we are.

Needless to say, work was rough that Monday and all KC and I did that evening was lie in bed in a fog while reading our wall-to-wall fb activity from the past 3 years. Comedy.

Check out the monster on the left. That is no joke.

Lit-tle cats..

I know you are all DYING for updates on my bitches. Here goes...

Kitty-Cat: Immediately following the Are we sluts? post, KC started going steady with her YB. TFS. Here's the kicker. YB will not cater to her needs. In the past month, they have gone on numerous dinner dates, daytime excursions, nights out drinking... this has only lead to some couch cuddling and PG coed sleepovers. Poor Kitty-Cat. All this YB does is compliment her... tells her she is the complete package, beautiful, a girl he thought he could never get. I know it sounds lame, but he is such a good YB. He is sweet to me too, and thinks the dynamic that Kitty-Cat and I have is killer (duh). Perhaps he is holding her up on a pedestal? I mean, she is a catch. Obviously. But, come on Young Boy! You have a hot older woman in bed with you- penetrate!! Her lower manhattan needs some attention. I'm sick of all my guy friends asking me if Kitty-Cat has GL'ed yet. She likes this boy, but if he doesn't man up by this weekend, I think she is going to give him a talking to. There are plenty of creeps waiting in the wings who will be happy to get the job done.

Reef Rider: Speaking of this YB, a couple weeks ago at OTR Reef Rider met his bestie whom she dubbed Little Big Cat. RR loves to call young boys Little Cats, and this Little Cat is exceptionally tall. Hence the name LBC. I love it. Hearing her say it is the funniest part. She kills me. LBC was feeling RR and they flirted all night. His baby mama drama is a major turn-off for her, but that didn't stop her from getting wild with LBC on my couch following too many dirty martinis and shots on Cinco de Mayo (Backstory: LBC told YB that it was his mission to slay Reef Rider). They decided it is best to be FWB. Interestingly enough, my little sexual deviant is in like with a new boy. Homeboy (she likes to refer to him as Wifed-up Creep) just needs to cut his dumpy girlfriend loose.

Novel Girl: She and No Romo do not let a day go by without contact, and while neither one will admit it to me... they are definitely in like with one another. He went to visit her in the city two weeks ago and she is on her way to Rhody as I write this. Woooo girl! I am so excited to see them interact live in the flesh. A virtual connection that I get credit for!! Novel Girl felt the need to reciprocate and connect me with her friend Summer Ale via bbm. I told him that if and when the NG/NR wedding occurs, we will be each other's plus ones (even if we have significant others- it just seems oh so fitting).

Bambi: Girl actually had sex in a bed last weekend. Blackout sex, but at least they took it out of the car and in between the sheets. I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump n' grind...

Chi Girl: She had a magical elevator connection with a Pharm Boy over a month ago and this sexy stud proceeded to retrieve her work digits and leave an amaaaazzinngg voicemail. Wednesday night Chi Girl sent me a fantastic series of bbms after attending Pharm Boy's softball game and taking tequilla shots with the entire (studly) team.

"They loved me. And PB couldn't keep his oven mitts off me. So we face f***ed in a mall parking lot. Then my classometer hit its Nader and I called it una noche. He was like please stay over it's pouring and you drank. We can handcuff me and lock me in a room alone... I won't touch you. I was like...tough sell. But I'll brave the streets."

This whole amazing conversation began with 12 "omg's" expressing her excitement about a new T-shirt design idea (which I will not reveal as to avoid stealing). Get on that girl, the skinny virgin tee has been a huge hit.

So tonight should be spectacular and after Tuesday night I will have 2 weeks off from grad school!! More frequent updates to come kids. Happy weekend.

Surfers are dorks.

New information: Bambi's carboy is not only a frisky fella, but a surfer as well. Sharing their story yielded an influx of readers arriving from nesurf.com, a forum for New England surfers. I still don't really understand the site fully.

This is what transpired in the last week... I blogged. Bambi tells Burnham about it and he posts link to my blog with the following comment preceding: "Hope you virgins are having fun on your messagebourd. Next up for me... hard drugs. Your pal, Enrique Burnham" (Quick backstory- Burnham is known on the forum as a 40-something virgin who lives home with his parents). I was unaware of this until I noticed a bunch of unfamiliar cities/towns coming up on my traffic feed from nesurf. Bambi filled me in on EB's actions... apparently he was "trying to get me some more followers." This got me thinking about surfers and all the sexiness that they exude. I felt it necessary to get some feedback and input from my homegirls/avid facebook followers to pinpoint what exactly makes these wave seekers so desirable. The sole male comment came from one of my grad school pals and was a fitting title for this post. Exploring nesurf validates his statement, but I'm into it. Dorks rock my socks.

Surfer boys... this is what we love about you. Keep up the good work.

Appearance: Man lines top the list. Otherwise known as peepee lines, penis cleavage and cum gutters. That hair. Sexy, salty, sun-kissed. The overall bod. Chiseled, bronzed, head-turning. The way those wet suits hug every inch. Yummmm...

Attitude: Laid-back, care-free, adventurous, effortlessly sexy.

In conclusion, I am horny for summertime and surfer sightings. A quote from my girl SP sums up my argument: "Ahh the carefree life of a surfer just living for the perfect wave... and we are just hoping to be that perfect wave... or at least a passing wave!"

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.

To all my faithful followers, my sincerest apologies. It has been much too long since my last blogpost. The slacking can be attributed to the fact that I have been trying to focus on re-learning and teaching things like order of operations and comprehension strategies. It's hard to get your priorities in check when all you want to do is have a little fun and write about it. Why can't I just be a blogging socialite?! I don't think this is too much to ask. Maybe I should look into connecting with Perez.

I have a ton of word vomit to spew but I'm going to take baby steps and start with a story that was recently shared with me by my friend Bambi St. Claire. A little background on Bambi: She is a good little girl with a large sexual appetite. To avoid promiscuity, she often abstains from one night stands and fleeting flings. Unfortunately, this abstinence only heightens her horny teenage boy mindset. Speaking of teenagers, her story involves some seriously juvenile behavior. After breaking things off with her last boy, Bambi was going on 6 weeks with no sex in the champagne room. That is no fun for anyone. So when Bambi met a boy (we'll call him Enrique Burnham- long story) about a month ago she had difficulty abstaining (she waited a week). On their third hangout, she was feeling frisky after a few cocktails...
Fast forward about 3 minutes. Instead of meeting her friends at the next bar, she suggests a sexual tryst in the backseat of his SUV. Wildy hot success. She takes him home where more steamy plowing takes place. Way to go...girl.
Bambi called me this morning with a similar story... there seems to be a pattern developing with them. Last night they met up and potentially consumed one too many adult beverages. On their walk back to his car they ran into Metro Wastecase stumbling along the road talking smack to some drunk college boys. This resulted in flying fists and choke holds. EB couldn't let his boy get jumped, so he stepped in to deflect. Bambi stared helplessly in an astonished drunken haze. Was this really happening? Enrique walked away with a fat lip and a lump on the noggin. My girl Bambi felt it was only appropriate to nurse his fat lip with a car make-out sesh followed by some backseat boinking. She is so giving. Articles of clothing were lost in the struggle and she ended up walking into her apartment with panties in hand while he entered shirtless- so T. Thankfully her roomie was sleeping (passed out) soundly on the couch by this time. Bambi promised to keep me informed if and when the teenage antics continue.

I failed to mention that Bambi is in her mid twenties and Enrique is in his early thirties. Perhaps they are making up for virginal high school years? Regardless, I'm into it.

She's got jokes. I sweat this broad.

Before I get down to some long overdue story telling, I haaave to mention a Chelsea update. Apparently Radaronline released a sex tape on Wednesday that she made over 10 years ago when she moved to LA. She addressed the issue on her show, stating, "I would like to say to Radaronline, a) thanks for ruining my surprise Christmas gift to my staff, and b) It was made as a joke. I put it on an audition tape for a comedy club, because I'm a comedienne, and I've been showing it at birthday parties for years!"

I need to see that tape. Note to self: Get invited to her next birthday party.

The Single and Fabulous Bucket List.

We all love to live vicariously. Chi Girl recently bullied me into divulging the details of a recent date night while I was out with friends. I told her I would call her later and spill, but she wasn't having that. "Stop being selfish. Cobwebs are forming on my vagina. I need to live vicariously."
So CG and her equally fabulous fellow Pharm Girl (CG actually said that she is the only girl she is truly jealous of because "she is everything that I am but better looking and more disciplined") decided to create a Sexual Bucket List for her. Pharm Girl is engaged, so it is her turn to live vicarioulsy. Here is what they came up with thus far...

1. Big black athlete
2. Old man... specifically someone's Dad
3. Lipstick lesbian
Stipulations slash parameters straight from Chi Girl:
"Mind you please that I will not be omitting and or passing up any other sexual predations because of said bucket list."
"It will be a compliment to the already existing and works in progress. Not a supplement."

Pharm Girl plans to tackle #3 as well. This poses an interesting question: is girl on girl considered cheating? Or should she chalk it up to sheer curiosity and experimentation? Which brings me to the topic of bisexuality, one that I have always struggled with. Bisexual men always end up with men and bisexual women always end up with men. This doesn't leave us hetero single gals with many remaining available men.
Back on topic: CG and PG have inspired me to create my own sexual bucket list and I encourage you readers to follow suit. "These things are fun, and fun is good." Yeah... I just quoted a children's author and made reference to lady parts in the same post. NBD. When I asked CG for publishing permission (I'm a courteous blogger!), she said "by all means, carry on. you're an artist. I would never stand in the way of your creative spirit." Aww thanks...guurrlll.

Chi Girl is going out tonight... and told me to stay tuned.