I have more girl crushes, lesbihonest.

How could I have forgotten to mention Chelsea Handler? The woman is a comedic genius. I have been crushing on her for two years now. Pre-ordered her book weeks ago and nearly jumped for joy when it arrived in a nice little Amazon package on Monday. Even with the crazy week I've had, I managed to get in a little dose of Chelsea before snoozin. I basically peed my pants reading Chapter One: The Feeling, in which she describes her first experience with masturbating in third grade.
"I think back with fondness on that year I spent getting to know my hot pocket. While some people and the authorities took issue with it, I considered it reasonable and fair. The way I saw it was, if you looked down and saw a brownie sundae with the works sitting in your lap, day after day after day, eventually you're going to attack it."

I honestly believe if Chelsea and I were to meet, we would be great friends. If anyone is interested in buying me an early birthday present, I will take tickets to her book tour appearance in Boston on April 10th. Thank you friends and followers.

Boys will be boys.

And apparently they become creeps/pimps as early as 3rd grade. Kitty-Cat and I both got hit on by 8 year olds recently. Not. Ok. But maybe a bit comical.

Kitty-Cat's experience: "Do you have a boyfriend? You need one." - 8 year old student "Oh ya, do you have someone in mind for me?" "Ya....me." "Don't you think I'm a little old for you?" "Ya, you're like 13." Kid is wild.

My experience: Nephew of good friends gets cell phone for Christmas. I stop by on the holiday and he asks if he can have my number. I think it is a little weird, but his mom condones it. He is a harmless 3rd grader. Fast forward to this Saturday evening. I receive a text from an unknown number that reads, "wazzup hot stuf." I ask who it is. It is innocent 3rd grader and his friend. Ummm whaaatt!!??

When did 8 year old boys decide it was kosher to flirt with 25 year old women?

Updates on recurring characters.

Art smart on gchat earlier after I was giving her crap about ignoring me to get her work done, "You complete me. I just Jerry Maguire'ed yo ass. So you can't be mean to me." Cheesy (and proof that birds of a feather flock together). That broad BETTER hand over one of those paintings. Stat.

Novel girl forwarded recent facebook message from professor while I was at the hockey game Thursday night. HILARIOUS. It was about 100 words of nonsensical word vomit regarding a book recommendation laced with plenty of flirtatious banter. The man is smitten with my novel girl. He closes the message with, "What the hell am I talking about? F***ing black label on an empty stomach." Wow. Still insanely jealous. This is getting good.

My poor Kitty Cat. Navy boy never came through and made plans for final interaction before he heads back to Thai baby mama. Self esteem is bruised a bit, but everything in life is a learning experience. We are going out on the town tonight. I'm sure I will have some good material tomorrow. Stay tuned.

A little about me for now...

I clearly enjoy telling the silly stories of those I love, but I had a few fun-filled evenings this week and thought I would share. Wednesday night BR and I finally had our girl date. Decided to veto the Dear John sob-fest and head straight for sushi and cocktails.

Check out our tunamazing and painted lady rolls. YUM. Accompanied by a couple glasses of vino and followed with a tempura banana. Satisfied. We were later joined by some lovely male company and a few couples... quite a successful hump day gathering :) I want to thank BR for her sound advice and genuine interest in my blog. I am lucky for my new friends in gansett. You kids rock my socks.

Thursday night: Bruins game with Bear Paws, Close Talker and Ginny. Before I begin this story, I need to state for the record that hockey is a SEXY sport. This I have known since my freshman year in hs when I first laid eyes on TF, the most beautiful man to walk the halls of Mt. Hope(less) High. Yes, he was a hockey player. Something about big strong men skating around with a stick and bashing each other into boards. Turns me on. Ok back to my night. Supposed to meet BP in the bucket after work. Traffic on 95 and little sense of direction makes me 25 minutes late. BP not happy. More traffic heading up to Boston combined with incessant girl talk with CT makes BP a little anxious/irritable. I realize this and feel bad but there is no way to rectify the situation at this point. We just need to get there and get the big guy a stiff cocktail. Sidenote: CT does not remember meeting me on Saturday night and admits to blacking out and getting a ride home from a random. Ahhh the wonderful effects of alcoholism. We finally arrive at Quincy Adams and BP attempts to obtain a train ticket from an ATM machine. We are all losing it.

7:30 p.m. Boston at last (game started at 7). We scoop Ginny up from the Hyatt and we are on our way. Go to bar and 35 year old Ginny is denied adult beverage due to RI paper license. Close Talker is 24 and out of state peeps need to be 25 to drink (ridiculous rule if you ask me- only irresponsible early twentysomething massholes are excluded from this?). BP and I double up on beverages and all is well. Phew, there could have been an angry little Italian blowup there.

Our seats were pretty sweet. After a few overpriced beers everyone was in good spirits. Pretty sure CT developed a hard core girl crush on yours truly. Evidence of this: Sat next to me and continued the close talking. Started touching me frequently. I call her out on this and she claims to be a "touchy feely person." Friends me on facebook and talks of having dinner parties in near future. Then it gets a little weird. We take a bathroom break and she joins me IN THE STALL. Let me remind you that we just met. So it is official. She loves me. I realize that I am a serial girl-crusher, but this was a little much even for me. My crushes are non-sexual and usually on celebrity ladies.

Bruins win in a shootout. Success! More drinks at Boston Sports Grill after and back to Rhody at 1 am. Woof. It was a tired TGIF for this girl.

Providence last night for BP's birthday with Kitty Cat (thanks girl) was interesting. Lots of creeps on the dance floor. Wonder what kind of shenanagins Newport will bring tonight...

I am going to end with this classy photo. Drove behind this shocker-loving d-bag on the way to school the other day. Priceless trash. I love Rhode Island. BR- are you sure this isn't the fool that almost side swiped you recently?

Art smart.

I know I have previously mentioned that talent and passion really knock me out. Well, add natural beauty and awkwardly fantastic humor to the mix and you have my best friend in a nutshell. She recently took a breif hiatus from my life to complete 10 paintings in 2 weeks. She is applying to grad school and needed a series for her portfolio. That talented biatch works well under pressure. Below are four of her personal favorites. I am impressed and proud to call her my best friend. I'm digging the unfinished look. Imperfect perfection. When I gave her this review, her response was "It's a reflection of their maker." Now, for your viewing pleasure...

Bristol harbor with Kate

Santa Monica in Red

Newport Pearl

Hilton Head and Hands

So, if she is famous someday, I better be recognized publicly and frequently for my early exposure of her work. And if I don't have one of these paintings hanging in my apartment soon, there will be hell to pay. That is all for now.

Wait. Sidenote: Newport weather is yucky today. Summer please? Looking forward to sushi date tonight with girl crush BR :)

You just can't make this stuff up.

Depressing realization: My friends' dating/sex lives are more interesting than my own.

Positive outcome: They provide me with stellar material.


So novel girl assured me that she would keep me posted on all activity involving passionate professor, but until then, let me share the story of one of my best friends and navy baby daddy.


Setting of first meeting: Friday night; T (translation: trashy) bar that we rarely frequent. Boy spots girl from across the bar. Walks over. They engage in flirtatious banter, exchange digits, make plans for date three days later.



12:58 pm. Closing time. Navy boy's dumpy friend cock blocks him and mentions that he knocked up some broad in Thailand and he lives in Japan. We assume it was an accidental pregnancy, and my friend (we will call her Kitty-cat hahahah) and I decide that we will ignore the cock-blocking and see this as an opportunity to have some fun fresh off a break-up. He is only in town for two weeks and we only live once folks. "These things are fun, and fun is good."
Tuesday night: 1st date. Kitty-cat and navy boy get shmammered and he reveals juicy deets regarding baby mama drama. Not a mistake. Informed decision to start family with Thai girl whom he is currently in a relationship with. WTF!??? Kitty-cat visibly upset and drowns her sorrows in red, red wine. Looks past this minute detail, moves on to another bar and proceeds to take him home. GTs had by all.
Texting and phone calls commence the following day and Navy boy plans date #2 for Saturday night. I must mention here that Kitty-cat is a tad superficial and he is incredibly attractive and entertaining (tall, dark and handsome type).
This brings us to Saturday. Kitty-cat is looking fly. Another great dinner date (more drinks than dinner- Navy boy gets shut off) combined with drunk dancing and they are back at her place again. Clothes strewn throughout living room and sexy time commences. Everything is fabulous. Post coital chat is idyllic and then... Navy boy blows the fantasy. "How does it feel knowing you are the last girl I will sleep with besides Thai girl?" Why must you boys say things we don't want to hear!? Kitty-cat pissed. Way to go, Navy boy. She drops him off at base and plans to meet before he leaves are in place. Unfortunately, dynamic is now spoiled. Kitty-cat's spirit is crushed. Don't worry though, there are plenty of creeps in the wings for her.

Lesbihonest.

So I've been accepting constructive criticism from my male readers, and the verdict is in. Sex sells, and in this visually enhanced technological world we live in, I need more pictures and videos on the blog. Basically, I need less word vomit and more photos of aesthetically pleasing people, places and things. Here is my best attempt at a combo.

Every now and then, I develop a girl crush or two. Don't get me wrong, I love men. There is just something amazing about a beautiful, intelligent, stylish, funny gal. Here are a few chicks I've been crushing on lately (or for some time now)...

Ahhh Diablo Cody. Brilliant, hilarious stripper-turned-screenwriter/Oscar winner. That bitch is badass. I saw Juno three times IN THE THEATER. No joke. Took my 12 year old cousin with me twice. Inappropriate? Maybe. The dialogue so fresh, so quirky. I couldn't get enough. Own the movie now and I'm still obsessed. I want to possess an ounce of her talent. "As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni." Sigh. I love her.

A couple months ago I had the following quote as my status on facebook: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I got a great deal of feedback, good and bad. I crush on Kate for her impeccable style, her stunning good looks and her idon'tgiveaf**k attitude. She doesn't possess all the qualities I look for in a girl crush, but that comment alone was fantastic and blog-worthy.

I will end with this beauty. She had me as mean girl Regina George and wowed me as hopeless romantic Allie Hamilton. Many reasons to hard core crush on this lovely lady. One being her overwhelming beauty. Two being her enviable relationship with Ryan Gosling (I'm still hoping they get back together. Or that he finds me and asks for my hand in marriage. A girl can dream). Three being her commitment to the green movement. I was watching her on Conan (miss you man) and she spoke so eloquently and passionately about recycling, biking everywhere and unplugging all appliances at night. Her carbon footprint is one I want to follow. Check out her green is sexy website and become as enthralled as I have.